How do you see?

Confession: everything about this post is belated. I started writing this in June about something I'd been thinking about since January, and finally posting it in December! Somewhat of a time warp but isn't this a familiar feeling we've all got accustomed to these couple of years?

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I know it's wishful thinking, but I was hoping to get through this pandemic without needing to subject myself to a COVID swab test. I had seen videos that made it look a little unbearable and didn't fancy the idea of something being stuck up my nose - hence, avoidance would be best. Well, all that went out the window back in May, when I heard the calm voice of my doctor saying I had a sinus infection and would need to be swabbed. This was a year and a bit since this virus took over the world, so for my consolation, at least my hope managed to last for that long! [Good news is I was fine, swab tests came back negative and I could leave my house again. Also, the swab experience was not all that bad, thankfully :)]

I don't think anyone would have thought that almost two years on, we'd still be fighting this. Even with more people vaccinated now, there are still people dying every day from COVID and countries are battling to contain its spread. If you are like me, we have all been waiting for our lives to finally "resume" but I doubt that has happened for most of us. Of course, some aspects of life might have continued but for the most part, it seems the pause button is still being held down and the screen remains stuck on that same visual from when all this hit us last year. 

Just before the start of the year, I was thinking a bit about what it means to have vision. I had been following a reading plan that dipped into a few Old Testament books in the Bible at a time (not easy to keep up with!) and there were some captivating stories that started me thinking about this. There was the prophet Elisha (2 Kings 6:8-23), who at one point had the whole Aramean army surround him - the king of Aram wanted Elijah eliminated so that he would stop feeding the king of Israel intel on what the king of Aram was plotting against Israel. Elisha was not fazed but his servant was so fearful on seeing the army of troops, horses and chariots all around them. Then Elisha let him in on a secret, "For there are more on our side than on theirs!" and asked the Lord to open his servant's eyes - the Lord answered and showed the young servant that the hills around them were filled with heaven's armies and chariots of fire. I was struck by how this simple ask changed one person's perspective completely, and indeed, changed the outcome that day from defeat to victory. Because of that prayer, Elisha's servant suddenly became very aware of another reality - that of the unseen realm. That unseen reality was there all along, but it took a new vision, a new way of seeing that went beyond the obvious to access this reality. 

As 2021 began, I felt the urge to pick myself up after a year of craziness and try to recover my life. With all the uncertainties surrounding us during this time, I got restless and tired of being directionless, and having to put aside what I loved. There have been good things that have come out of this time - deepening friendships, exercising again, but it's been awhile since I dreamed and planned for the future or had something to look forward to (even a vacation!). So I felt challenged to learn what it means to live from an expanded vision, not just according to the circumstances that were visible around me. I wanted the ability to seeing the way Elisha's servant did. While it's true that life is what happens around us, I wanted to tend to the life within and live from that "bull's eye" (to borrow a phrase from one of my favourite Christian artists, Christy Nockels). Because it is the reality within that ultimately charts the course of our lives. 

At the same time, I also read from the book of Numbers and found myself drawn into the story of Balaam. He was not at all like Elijah, in fact the complete opposite - he was a pagan seer, or some called a false prophet, though it's not quite apparent where his allegiances lay. The king of Moab wanted to pay him as much as he wanted to come and put a curse on Israel. He initially refused but eventually agreed to go to the king of Moab. God was not pleased that Balaam went, and sent an angel to block his way. Balaam couldn't see the angel but the donkey he was riding did - not once but three times! On all three occasions, Balaam of course thought the donkey went crazy (bolting off in fear) or got temperamental (sat down right under him) and punished the donkey by beating it - until the donkey spoke and the Lord opened Balaam's eyes to see the angel of the Lord standing in the roadway with a drawn sword in hand. Even the donkey was keenly aware of that other reality that is the spiritual realm, and was obedient to it. 

I honestly don't know how many angels I might have missed seeing these past months. I know God is still in control but truth be told, it has been a struggle to know Him in the midst of these circumstances that have wrought so much change to life as we knew it. It feels strange to want to experience God when much of what comes with that experience is pretty much taken away and you have to intentionally seek it out. 

Back to Christy Nockels, I was struck by one of her podcasts when she mentioned about "writing a liturgy" for yourself. A liturgy is by definition a form in which Christian worship is conducted. I remember growing up in an Anglican church, there was often a call and response type of exchange that happened during service which I only appreciated when I grew older. Writing your own liturgy is more like a prayer, something you had written down that you would pray regularly or during specific times and situations. In the podcast (entitled "Amaryllis Prayers"), Christy chatted with her sister-in-law, who shared that she wrote this prayer or liturgy during a time of calm so she could pray it during times of anxiety and stress. It was a way of centering herself and coming back to a heart of rest. I ended up spontaneously praying my own liturgy one morning. It goes something like this:

"Dear Lord, help me to live today from a heart of rest. Help me remember who I am in You and to trust You in every situation. Give me the strength to face the challenges of the day, and the wisdom to make the right decisions. Holy Spirit, come and lead and guide me into all truth. 

Saying a prayer or having a liturgy is not what gets us through the day. God the one who carries us and saying a prayer is merely a way of saying we trust Him to take care of us and meet us at our point of need. 

Having vision, I've learnt this year, is learning to walk with God even when things around us, or God Himself, feels strange and uncertain. It's learning to pay attention to His word - what I read in the Bible, and not just the promptings I get in my heart and mind, simply because you don't always have those in seasons of dryness or chaos. It is ultimately God's unshakable Word that gives us vision - of who He is and what He is doing in us. I have never treasured that surety more than I do today. Thank you Lord, for helping me see!